Rough times

I hate seeing a big, strong man with tears running down his face, into his beard, trying like hell to keep me from seeing them....

That *woman* is going to tear Andy apart before this divorce is settled, and it is killing me.
Any woman who uses guilt to try to keep a man... using his kids against him... Using her low self esteem to whine, and make him feel like he is the bad guy...
Then there's me, just trying to make his life a tiny bit better, and help him stay on his feet... Knowing I have no right to tell him what to do, feeling caught in the middle... He tells me he is sorry that he got me in the middle of all this... I tell him I am right where I want to be, and that once we get through this, we are going to be strong, and happy, and his life will be everything he always dreamed it could be... But we have to get through this first...
Here is the song that, right now, makes me think of Andy, every time I hear it...
To hear a bit of it, go HERE...
Bring It On
(Trace Adkins)


Troubled soul, all alone
I can feel your sadness
The hearache and the madness

Are hittin' hard tonight
You're cornered up and hunkered down
The walls are tall around you
For anyone to break through
It's gonna be a fight

(Chorus)
Bring it on, bring it on
All your heartache and frustration
You've been done wrong too long
And I'm strong enough to change it
Maybe in time, we'll turn water into wine
Maybe love is what we'll find
Bring it on

It's not too late to fly away
And I won't try to stop you
So you do what you've got to
I'll understand
But if you need a place to land

A haven, safe and certain
Someone to share your burden
Then take my hand

(Chorus 2x)
Bring it on, bring it on
All your heartache and frustration
You've been done wrong too long
And I'm {wo}man enough to change it
Maybe in time, we'll turn water into wine
Maybe love is what we'll find
Bring it on

Yeah, bring it on baby
Baby, bring it on
Bring it on
Yeah, bring it on

Amazing weekend

What an amazing weekend!
Friday night, Andy picked me up in the truck, and we drove about 3 or 4 hours down into Oklahoma, where we stayed the night in a truck stop. Saturday morning we dropped the load of grain he was hauling at a feed yard, and went farther south to pick up a load of rock and bring it to Kansas. We had SOOO much fun!! I got to go places I had never been, (there are a LOT of rinky dink little towns in Oklahoma!!!) and we got to spend all that time talking, and laughing...
We got back to town about 5 pm Saturday, then we went to the shop and changed the oil in the truck, and fixed a light on the trailer, that kind of stuff... Then back in town we fueled up, and since he didn't want to take me home yet, we parked the truck and talked for another hour or so...
I am just amazed at how much we have in common... Everything from the same favorite color (black) to the same sort of upbringing, and same hopes for the future...
When I was little when people asked me what I wanted to be I told them "a farmer's wife"...LOL... And Andy is wanted to eventually stop driving truck and take over the family farm...
We had so much fun, I can't believe it... He just blew me away...
And to think, we have lived most of our lives just 10 miles apart... The fact that he is 4 years younger, I think, is the reason we never met before...
I can't remember the last time I had so much fun, or laughed so much... My face hurt from smiling so much...LOL
My friend Rhonda (she and her boyfriend are the ones who introduced me to Andy) said last night that "it's about damn time you had some fun, girl, you have been unhappy for too long!" LOL

Catching up

I just remembered that when I was typing and entry the other day, the electricity went off and I never ended up finishing it...

Remember that truck driver, Andy, who comes in all the time to talk to me?(blog entry talking about when we met HERE) He was at the same cookout I went to Saturday night, and we were the last ones by the fire, even the homeowners had gone to bed, but we stayed out there talking almost until dawn...When he went to sleep in his truck and I crashed on my friend Rhonda and Allan's couch (they are the ones who had the cookout, and they are also the ones who intruduced me to Andy)I never realized how much we have in common... How intelligent he is, how strong... And gentle...
We have talked on the phone at least once a day since then... I went out and met him at one of the elevators out in the country last evening, we talked, and he kissed me goodbye... *sigh*
I swear I have a sign on my forehead... "Married? In the process of getting a divorce? Hit on me!!"
This one, I think, is serious, though... And yes, I know, I thought that about Jeff, but he is too secretive, disappearing for months at a time... Same with Hawk, I go months without hearing from him too... Andy is different... His wife is really giving him a hard time, she spends most nights at her sister's house now... Just a matter of him getting some things in order before he files for divorce, I think... Oh well...

My first day doing books in the other store was a disaster... They were way off in their lottery, and their money... I had a drunk woman come in, write a note and hand it to me, and walk out... The note said "Amber Alert Christy..." I called the cops... No kids were with them, but she and her man were both arrested... The air conditioners broke down, I had to call someone to fix them, the 3 o'clock person didn't show up until 4, and I had to cover,staid in that store for 12 hours the first day, I wasn't sure I wanted to go back... LOL... The other 3 days weren't quite as bad, but almost... That store has MAJOR problems... They all wanted me to stay, and I am hoping that someday the district manager is going to give that store to me... I could turn it around, I have done it before for another company I managed for... I just hope he waits until the end of the summer, I want my summer this year! Last year I worked 70 + hours a week, 7 days a week and missed the entire summer... I think that the Son and I are going to go one the truck occasionally with Andy, (he's a grain hauler, did I tell you that?) and I want to be the one there for him after the shit hits the fan in his marriage... Does that make me a bad person? I suppose I should stay completely out of his life until it's over, but I can't... I am not that strong...
anyway...
I go back to work in my regular store on Thursday, it will be nice to get my regular routine back for a while...

Too much in my head for anything to come out...

Actually, I haven't been working too much... I just haven't been doing anything else...
Yesterday I worked at the bar until evening, and then had to go to work at the store at midnight until 8 am this morning... The night girl had "twisted her ankle" and couldn't work... We have sooo much trouble with her...

My son's doctor's office help screwed up on his prescription, making him go two days without his pills, so he's been out of school because they can't "handle him" when he is off his meds...

Life is in one of those dead spots... I work, come home, do what I have to here, sleep a little and do it all over again... My life tends to go through these every few months...
Jeff has been sent "out" on another government "thing"... Hawk is playing his "hard to get a hold of" game again... R has been working long hours...
I did have a long talk with an old friend yesterday afternoon while working at the bar... He and I sort of stepped "out of bounds" for a friendship a few months ago, and both of us felt a bit awful about it... He felt like a heel for letting it happen, and I felt ashamed because I thought he thought I was "easy white trash"... We got it talked out and everything is back on track... He is an artist, really great one, and has been doing airbrushing on motorcycle tanks lately... I should go over soon to see some of his work... Little secret... That little slip we had was no accident, although he felt he talked me into it, I would do anything for him... It took no "talking into"... LOL... He is a confirmed bachelor, however, so I am content with being really good friends.
My truck driver friend hasn't been able to catch me at work lately... I miss him... The little blue eyed blonde guy from Mexico comes in to see me every day, several times a day, and even comes to talk to me at the bar occasionally, but hasn't got the nerve up to ask me out again... I hope he doesn't, I really like him, but I just can't go out with him.
Starting Friday I have to do the books in one of our stores about 30 miles away... The one Hawk goes into EVERY morning... Hopefully we can set a time to get together... I really dread working in that store, though, the employees over there (including the manager) are very hateful, and dishonest... Back stabbing... I'm sure they will hate an outsider coming in everyday... They better not mess with me, though, I may look sweet and innocent, but I'm far from it! LOL

I have been doing a LOT of soul searching lately... Studying Pagan religions... Questioning where my faith lies... The Pagan religions feel so much more "right"... They don't try to turn me into something I am not, like all the Christian churches I have attended do... I actually FEEL something when learning about this, like I never seemed to with Christianity... What if the Christians are wrong and I spend my whole life going down the wrong path? What if they are right and I chose the wrong path? How does anyone know????
*sigh*
Lots of "sh**" going on in my brain these days...

Drooling at work

I worked about 10 hours today, and I saw so many gorgeous Harley's riding through town... Not to mention the bikers riding them... I don't mean the "businessman" types, I mean the big, burly long bearded long haired guys in black leather... lol.... Made me want to just jump on and disappear with them... One guy even offered, and it was damn tempting not to... lol Yeah, he was older than me (probably about 55) but damn.... mm-mm-mm.... he was fine... lol *sigh* oh well...

Yadda, yadda, yadda

My life has become soooo monotonous!!
All I ever do is work...
I've only seen Jeff twice in the past month, and never any time to "play"...
A few emails from Hawk, but haven't been out to the farm in ages...
R is beginning to think about looking at rental houses, though, I think thats a good thing... I think it would be good if he got out and lived his life his way for a change... Although, I don't know that I will be able to pay my bills (meaning utilities, insurance, groceries) without him here... I might have to (God forbid!) move back in with my mother... :-P I would hate that... but my little $180 a week isn't gonna cut it for long.... *sigh*

I am really getting that "Hawk" itch lately... Probably go out there sometime soon...

Wednesday R and I are taking the Son to the dentist... he is ADHD, and will have to be sedated... this dentist does it intraveniously... ever try to hold an incredibly strong needle-phobic 6 year old ADHD boy down so someone can put an IV in??? I am dreading Wednesday like you can't even imagine... They are going to have to sedaet me too, I think.... lol

The plumber is done with my back yard... it still looks like a parking lot, though... nothing but dirt, and not to level at that... one big pile of dirt left... will probably be using it all summer to level the yard and fill in sink holes, etc. STILL have not got to the garden... *sigh* Haven't got that bill yet... I dread opening that envelope...